The
Rabbi Supports Pre-Marital Masturbation
By Dr. Mel Glazer
It is my
considered opinion that we should accept
and strongly advocate private masturbation
as the method of choice for the relief
of all pre-marital sexual urges. I say
this after examining both the classical
sources, which are universally negative
when discussing this topic; and the reality
of our times, which creates an impossible
no-win situation for our teen-agers.
The
Torah tells the following story of Er
and Onan, the sons of Judah, one
of Joseph’ s older brothers in
Genesis 37:2-9:
“Judah took the daughter of a
Canaanite man to be his wife. She became
pregnant and gave birth to a son, named
Er. She became pregnant again and gave
birth to another son, named Onan. The
she became pregnant a third time and
gave birth to a third son, named Sheyla.
Now Judah took a wife for his first-born
son Er, her name was Tamar. But Er did
evil in the sight of God, and he died.
Judah then said to Onan, his next-born, ‘have
sex with your brother’s wife to
preserve your brother’s seed.’ But
Onan knew that the seed would not be
his. So it was, when he came in to his
brother’s wife, he let his seed
go to ruin on the ground, so as not to
provide seed for his brother. What he
did was evil in the eyes of God, and
he, too, died.”
According
to the Torah, a man was required to marry
his deceased brother’s
childless widow in order to maintain
his brother’s “name” and
family line. Onan refused to do this
for his dead brother Er. The Rabbis say:
Onan engaged either in “coitus
interruptus,” that is he started
but did not finish the sex act with Tamar;
or else he masturbated. He refused to
get Tamar pregnant. For the Rabbis, sex
was always seen as a way of making babies
only, sex as “fun” was frowned
upon. The first commandment in the Torah
is “p’ru u’r’vu,
be fruitful and multiply” and so
the Rabbis wanted to be certain that
sex was only for the purpose of performing
that mitzvah, and not for any other reason.
In the Rabbis’ defense it is absolutely
true that since a man’s sperm carries
potential life, to waste that sperm is
to waste potential life. The Rabbis were
very clear about their desire to create
and preserve life whenever possible.
For them, masturbation was considered
to be a waste of life-producing sperm
and therefore a sin against God, and
so the Rabbis prohibited it. For them,
the story of Er and Onan is about sex
and the responsibilities of a man to
his dead brother.
But there
are those, myself included, who understand
the story
of Er and Onan
as being not about sex, but rather about
property rights. I understand why Onan
did what he did; he actually valued the
connection between love and sex. He knew
very well that even if Tamar would become
pregnant by his sperm, the child would
be seen as his brother Er’s, not
as his. And this was unacceptable to
him. Onan was not interested in producing
a child that he personally would not
get to raise as his own. To have a physical
relationship with his sister-in-law was
unacceptable to him, he was not a “one-night-stand” kind
of guy. He insisted on sex with love
attached, not all by itself.
Now let’s talk about today. Everywhere
we look-TV, newspapers, magazines, Internet
and movies-we are bombarded with images
of sex: teen magazines filled from cover
to cover with pictures of handsome hunks
and sleazy babes; stores at the malls
showing and selling tight Speedos and
short skirts and blouses which cover
very little cleavage; commercials for
food, drink, and cigarettes which promise “a
good time.” Everywhere we look,
sex is in our face. Even the former President
of the United States is not immune. What’s
a guy or gal to do? We all have normal
sex drives, God gave them to us as a
gift, to be used when we get married.
I believe sex belongs in marriage only,
not before marriage and not with someone
else while you’re married. So,
I advocate masturbation, for the following
reasons. First, it is private. Judaism
stresses the concept of tz’niut,
modesty. Your body is not something to
be shared with anyone who just feels
like having a good time, even if you
might agree. Sex should be between you
and your spouse, no one else. Instead
of the tendency in our society to “reveal” everything,
we should be much more private. Second,
you cannot get a communicable disease
from masturbation, and you won’t
ever need to get an abortion. Third,
it costs nothing-no condoms and no birth
control pills needed.
Life is
very complicated these days, and we are
forced to make
choices which
will create consequences for the rest
of our lives. I am suggesting we keep
things private and simple and modest.
Masturbation achieves all these goals,
and creates good feelings. It should
be our first choice in this complex
world in which we live.
Dr. Mel
Glazer is a Grief Recovery Specialist
working
in private practice with grievers
all across America. You can visit his
website at http://www.yourgriefmatters.com.
Dr. Glazer has served as a Rabbi, Author,
and Speaker for over thirty years,
and he is recognized as a pioneer in
the
art of using our life-losses to help
us learn life-lessons. We only uncover
what is truly important about ourselves
by how we respond to the losses in
our lives, and so each loss becomes our
cherished
teacher. Some examples of loss include:
the
death of a loved one, or a less-than-loved-one;
divorce; serious physical, mental or
emotional illness; financial distress;
the end of a serious relationship;
when a child leaves home for college;
and
even the death of a pet.
He is widely
published, and his upcoming book, And
God Created Hope: How Our Favorite
Bible Stories Lead Us From Mourning
To Morning (2006), follows in the footsteps
of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross.
Dr.
Mel Glazer • Your Grief Matters
1.877.532-4246 (1.877.LECHAIM)
mel@yourgriefmatters.com •
www.yourgriefmatters.com
Grief Recovery Seminars
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© Dr. Mel Glazer, 2005. All rights reserved.
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