What
this Rabbi Learned from Not being Re-hired
By Dr. Mel Glazer
It's a
familiar story, and I have been through
it before, and so have you. In January
the Synagogue Personnel Committee told
me that they were recommending that the
synagogue not renew my contract. I had
been here six years, and now they said
it was time to go. I could have contested
their decision by going public to the
entire congregation, but I decided that
if my leadership didn't want me anymore
to be their Rabbi, that I was leaving.
And then came the grief...
Why didn't
they want me anymore? What had I done,
or
not done, that displeased
them? How had I failed them? Did this
mean that I was a "bad" Rabbi?
A "bad" person? And even worse,
did they finally "find me out" as
the imposter I sometimes think I am?
It's called "The Imposter Syndrome," feeling
that sometimes I have no idea what it
is that I am supposed to be doing in
my job, but if I could just "pretend" hard
enough to be doing the right thing, I
could pass for a "good" Rabbi.
I had little idea how I had failed them,
and myself, but I felt that a little
piece of me had died. Here I was, 57
years old, once again looking for a job.
Who needed it? Next would come interviews
with more congregations, asking me the
inevitable--Rabbi how did you screw up?
Well, not in so many words, but that's
really what they wanted to know. Next
would come phone interviews and personal
fly-up-there-for-the-day interviews,
and maybe even weekend interviews. Again???
Maybe the rabbinate wasn't for me anymore,
maybe I should look in other directions...
So,
I had lost something, a piece of myself,
my dignity, my honor, my feeling
of job satisfaction. How would I mourn,
would I be angry and not talk to people
I had known for six years? Would I
trash my congregation's leadership and
hope
that they would be cursed by getting
a rabbi who was incompetent and ineffectual?
Would I begin to gossip and tell nasty
stories about those who fired me? Well
that's how I felt, and it was perfectly
normal for me to feel that way. I was
hurt, I was in pain, and I was looking
for a focus to my anger. But I also
knew that if I left angry, I would then
not
be completing my relationships with
my members and friends, and that I would
continue to carry those feelings of
anger
with me as I began a new rabbinic position.
They would remain with me for as long
as it took to conclude them. The problem
would be, even as I began the new job,
I would not be totally cleansed of
the old one.
So I had
to consciously set out to leave in a
good way, and I did.
What was the
secret of my good leaving? I spoke
about it in public, continually, right
up until
the day I left. You see, I had to help
my friends and members say goodbye
to me too, and so talking about leaving
allowed both them and me to carry out
what needed to be done. At first it
was
incredibly difficult for me to do this,
but it did get easier as the year went
on. Not everything went smoothly, however,
especially when I was turned down by
congregations in favor of younger and
more handsome candidates--they thought
I was too old to be a good rabbi, can
you imagine that??--but by the end,
all went well.
And so,
the end of the story is that my new congregation,
which
you can see
at the bottom of the page, is today
e-mailing me a contract. When Ellen and
I went
there two weeks ago, they fell in love
with us and we with them. I truly believe
that it is a match meant to be; my
gifts fit their needs, and vice versa.
And,
I have concluded my relationship with
my former congregation and am now emotionally
ready to begin again. Had I not left
appropriately, I would be paralyzed
in the future. Because I left appropriately,
I am raring to go!
Dr.
Mel Glazer • Your Grief Matters
1.877.532-4246 (1.877.LECHAIM)
mel@yourgriefmatters.com •
www.yourgriefmatters.com
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© Dr. Mel Glazer, 2005. All rights reserved.
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