HOW
DO YOU MOURN AN EX-SPOUSE?
By Dr. Mel Glazer
My first wife died several weeks ago.
We were married almost thirty years,
we have four kids and four grandsons,
and we were divorced four years ago.
Donna was sick for many years, and her
body finally gave out. As sad as it was,
it was also a relief. As I am fond of
saying, The Angel of Death is not always
an enemy, and in this case it was true.
But as difficult as the last years might
have been between us, her death created
new and wrenching dilemmas for me and
the kids.
I know nobody wants to talk about this,
but with our national divorce rate climbing
higher and higher, there are now more “exes” in
our society than ever before, and eventually
they will die. What should we feel when
that happens? How will we mourn spouses
that at one time loved us, and we loved
them? How can we reverently say goodbye
to those with whom we made a life and
sometimes kids; spouses with whom we
had mutual friends, created memories
and shared life-stories together? At
the end of the relationship, perhaps
we were not in love any longer, but that
doesn’t mean we did not still have
deep emotions about them. Love doesn’t
die when the divorce is granted.
The death of a “less-than-loved-one” is
in truth a double death. First, they
died, and we are left with all the feelings
connected with the death of anyone we
knew and loved. But second, the possibility
of healing the pain of the broken marriage
has now also died. No more can we pretend
that we can “make it right” with
them, that time is now over forever.
Can we heal after their death? Yes, but
it is much easier to do so when they
were alive. We are confronted with the
death of the present, and in addition
the death of the future. It’s not
at all easy, take it from me.
So this double death now translates into
numerous decisions which must be made:
Do we attend the funeral or not?
If they did not want us to attend, do
we do so anyway out of respect and the
need to say good-bye? Or do we stay home?
What do we say to our kids, especially
if they are divided in their loyalties
between their parents?
How should we act toward former in-laws?
Do we talk to our former mutual friends,
or just ignore them?
How do friends console friends in this
situation? What is the proper condolence?
These are new questions for me. I made
my decisions, as do you in your situation.
What is “the right way?” I
have no idea. All I do know is that it
hurts. I pray that Donna’s soul
is now resting peacefully, with no more
pain and suffering. She has gone, but
those grief issues will remain with me
for a very long time.
Dr.
Mel Glazer • Your Grief Matters
1.877.532-4246 (1.877.LECHAIM)
mel@yourgriefmatters.com •
www.andgodcreatedhope.com
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© Dr. Mel Glazer, 2007. All rights
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