THE
AMISH MOURN THEIR CHILDREN
By Dr. Mel Glazer
There is
something so tragic in this week's awful
murder of those sweet unassuming Amish
kids. We associate the Amish with being
lovers of peace, living a life of separatism
and simplicity, rejecting the electronic
machinery that the rest of us take for
granted. No cars, no televisions, no
computers or I-Pods, just a close-to-God
way of life that at times we wish we
could emulate, for its harmony with the
earth and its closeness to others in
the community. Visiting neighbors is
part of the community structure, they
actually know who their neighbors are!
Sharing hopes, dreams and aspirations
with each other is built-in to the DNA
of the Amish extended family. But, as
a cartoon by Marshall Ramsey in Sunday's
New York Times sadly reminds us, in the
list of remaining safe places in the
world, we can now scratch off Amish country.
How truly very sad.
When a
child dies, there are in fact two losses,
there is a double death.
The death of the child is a tragedy,
of course. But perhaps even worse
is the death of the future with that
child.
The family loses part of their expected
future, now there will be no wedding,
no grandchildren, no family participation,
no participation in family holday
celebration, no church baptism, no nothing.
For
that child, the future is over, and
that loss will continue to hurt,
not only now, but forever. The parents
will attend the funeral and cry and
ask God to hug that prcious child
in
Heaven, and perhaps that will bring
them solace. But every single year,
at every single birthday anniversary
and family holiday, the absence of
their child will be noticed and mourned.
There is
a fascinating piece of this story that
has intrigued me from its
beginning, and that is that the families
of the victims immediately forgave
the killer. Not one full day had
passed after their children had been
brutally
murdered and their parents had already
issued a loving and compassionate
statement of forgiveness. And, at the
killer's
funeral, there were in attendance
a few members of the families of the
victims. Wow, I thought, I could
never do that! If someone murdered my
child,
you would have to physically restrain
me from going after the murderer
and taking vengeance. I too would end
up
in jail, no doubt about it. I suspect
that my sentiments would be yours
too. So I was, to be perfectly honest,
floored
by the speed of their forgiveness.
You and I have always been taught
that first there needs to be an apology
and only then can forgiveness come.
But the Amish are right--they will
carry in their hearts the weight
of
their children's death forever, why
bother adding the additional burden
of anger? It will do them no good
to hate, even when that hatred could
be
perfectly justified. They will need
to concentrate all their energies
on mourning and healing; anger and hatred
will only make that process much
more
difficult. They did the right thing
to forgive their children's killer,
even if it may not seem so to the
rest of us. Now they can concentrate
on
the pure emotions of love and sadness
and pain. Our prayers are with them
in this difficult time of their lives,
may healing come soon and last forever.
Dr.
Mel Glazer • Your Grief Matters
1.877.532-4246 (1.877.LECHAIM)
mel@yourgriefmatters.com •
www.yourgriefmatters.com
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© Dr. Mel Glazer, 2005. All rights reserved.
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